My Personalized Synopsis of
Don Miguel Ruiz’ The Four Agreements.
by Lyle Hileman January 7, 2011
Dream and Domestication
Your brain is always dreaming. It’s what brains do. Your brain dreams things up, literally and figuratively. Awake or asleep, your brain is noticing, making associations and searching out meaning, endeavoring to make sense out of it all. Thus you create your understanding of the world around you.
Your world view is your personal creation. Don’t confuse what you think is going on ‘out there’ with what really is. Your world view is unique, different from anyone else’s because it’s your product, your dream.
Collectively, everyone’s personal world-views have a combined influence that could be called Society’s Dream or the Planet Dream. It is the cumulative product of everyone who has preceded you. This planet dream is the basis of what each child is taught: the beliefs of families, communities, churches, and nations. From your youth you were taught what to believe and how to interpret your personal world-dream, as well as the kind of person you should be. Thus, we grow up to resemble our families and communities of origin.
From the first moment of your life, your surroundings commanded your attention in an alluring, incessant, insistent way. Beginning at your birth, the environment dictated and defined for you everything you know. You were taught language, social norms, religion, your name, and your identity without any choice on your part. As a child you accepted it all. You became ‘domesticated.’ In your acceptance of society’s beliefs you made many ‘agreements’ about what to believe and how to behave. Of course, some people domesticate more easily and completely than others.
To please others, we learned to pretend. For example, I pretended to be Lyle. How did I know who Lyle was? How much of it was decided for me? I became a product of my environment, and eventually I began to self-domesticate. I hardly considered questioning this world view. It became my Truth, even though questions or doubts would occasionally arise in my mind.
Most of us were taught to believe that we are not good enough. Since people believe they can never be good enough, we tend to be self-abusive and even enlist the support of others in this effort. However, we don’t allow anyone to abuse us more than we abuse ourselves. If they abuse us less than we abuse ourselves, then that is okay; it reinforces our low self-esteem. We have difficulty accepting ourselves, but we desperately want to be accepted by others, even if it means accepting their criticism.
Because of your agreements, it is very difficult to challenge the planet dream. It is very hard to have eyes and ears for any other truth.
Many of your agreements are based on fear. Fear-based agreements stifle individuality, whereas agreements based on love are empowering.
We have made thousands of agreements with the planet dream, but even more important are the ones we made with ourselves: who I am, what I can and cannot do, what I believe, what is real, what is true.
You can create a new dream and a better life by creating new and better agreements.
The First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word.
First and most importantly: be impeccable with your word.
‘Impeccable’ literally means ‘without sin.’ Being impeccable with your word is very difficult, but very simple and very powerful.
Your word is your most powerful tool. Through your word you manifest everything. Think about what you are saying. Watch what you say. Your words are magic; they work a spell on yourself and others. We cast spells all the time with our words. These spells are seeds that grow in the garden of the mind. Every day of your life you have planted in your mind the word-spells of others, especially when you were a child.
Misuse of your word is like black magic, and the power of the word is frequently misused. . We practice our acts of black magic even on our loved ones and friends. These are difficult spells to break. Gossip is the worst form of this black magic. It is a contagion. It spreads like a virus, and we are the vectors.
Your word will either set free or enslave yourself and those about you. You should be especially careful of how you use your word about yourself.
You are the seed that you should nurture in the garden of your mind. “Honor thyself” even before thy father and mother.
I will strive to be impeccable with my most powerful tool: my word. From this one agreement, all else is possible.
The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally
Whatever anybody says, it’s not about you. Whatever he or she may say, it’s not about you. Absolutely nothing other people do or say is ever because of or about you. Even if what someone is saying is ‘about’ you, it’s really 99% about them, maybe 1% about you. Don’t take it personally, even if it’s something nice. You know who you are; you don’t need feedback from anyone else to tell you who you are. What other people say tells about them. What you say tells about you.
Your mind is a movie-maker. In your mind you concoct, direct, produce, view, and even star in your mind-movie “The World As I Perceive It.” You are the star of you movie, and so your movie is undoubtedly very different from anyone else’s. Your movie is certainly not all about me. Whatever part I play in your movie is scripted, directed, and edited by you, and the “me” character in your movie is very likely someone I would scarcely recognize as myself. I shouldn’t take it personally.
You should even be careful about taking personally what you tell yourself about yourself. You know your opinions are not necessarily true, no matter how strongly you hold them. You probably have many incorrect notions (agreements) about yourself.
When I take things personally I set myself up for suffering. I subconsciously wear a psychological ‘kick me’ sign. It’s like I’m addicted to suffering—after all, I think I’m not good enough, right? So probably I should suffer.
We lie to each other. We lie to ourselves. But truth endures and the heart heals, so be honest. Be impeccable with your word. Learn from the words and actions of others, but don’t take them personally.
Huge freedom comes from not taking things personally.
‘Don’t take anything personally’ is not easy, but it’s worth it. Remind yourself daily to not take anything personally. “Re-mind”… Re-mind yourself. Re-mind yourself daily. Re-mind yourself all the time. You can start by re-minding yourself not to take anything personally.
The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
We make assumptions all the time. Your brain takes sensory input and concocts an explanation, making many assumptions each time. The problem with making assumptions is that you then believe that they really are the truth. You could swear they are correct, that they accurately reflect reality. They certainly seem logical and consistent and to reflect truth, but it’s circular reasoning. You make certain assumptions to explain your observations, and your observations lend credence to your assumptions. Your assumptions seem like facts because they explain your reality. But they’re only assumptions, and you’re asking for trouble with every assumption you allow yourself to make. You literally dream things up and put them into your mind-movie.
Making assumptions in a relationship is really asking for trouble.
Don’t assume anything you don’t have to. Instead of making assumptions, ask questions. Ask questions, and get answers. It’s so much easier to just assume, but the road to emotional and mental hell is paved with assumptions. If you are going to stop making assumptions, you need to find the voice to ask questions and the ear to hear the answers.
We all assume that everyone else sees things the way we do…and if they don’t then they should, right? So of course we don’t understand each other. It can be done, but it requires lots of questions and all the honesty and mindfulness we can muster.
Here’s an assumption we all make: we think we’re right. We assume our paradigm is correct. Do you have the courage to question your beliefs? People often value their beliefs over conflicting truths. They tend to disregard such truths. You and I can easily recognize the sincere but false beliefs of others, yet remain virtually blind to our own.
Don’t assume anything. Never make assumptions. Instead, seek understanding. Correct understanding is the beginning of wise action.
If you want to assume something, assume the role of a White Magician: be impeccable with your word, using it for creation, giving, loving, and truth. Don’t take anything personally. And don’t make assumptions.
The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best
Action makes things happen. Not intention, not thought, not desire nor hope nor determination, but action.
Action is where it’s at, but acting well is important too. ‘Your best’ is a constantly changing thing; it’s never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Even when sick or tired, you can do your best and be satisfied with your effort and its results. The long-term result will be happiness and wellness, and the immediate results aren’t bad, either.
Right now you are having the time of your life… literally. Doing your best is about not wasting it. It’s about living it fully, living it well. After all, it’s the only life you’ve got. Give it your best.
You do your best naturally when you love what you’re doing. Live so that you can do as many as possible of the things you’d love to do. Fill each day with things you’d love to do, and always do your best. The doing will be its own reward. Gratifying results will be the consequence.
‘Doing’ is what living is all about, and the completion of your doing is at your death. So always do your best and love what you’re doing and quit worrying about the result.
Enjoying each moment is part of living fully. When you overlook the present moment you are disregarding life and disrespecting yourself. Appreciate life…now. In everything you do, do what at that moment is your best. You can’t really live in the past or the future, but only in the present, only in this moment…right now…there!...now it’s gone. Did you live it well? Are you doing your best? Reading, sleeping, showering, eating, driving, working, weeding, mowing, cleaning, relaxing, playing, studying, loving, listening, learning…always do your best. It’s the best thanks God could ask for.
Of course you will fall short and sometimes even fail outright, but if you are striving to do your best then you should be completely happy with your efforts.
Expect opposition and conflict. ‘Always doing your best’ will be counter to other people’s dreams of what they think you should be doing. It many even go against your own mind’s dream of yourself, the agreements you’ve made with yourself about who you are and what you should be doing and what’s really important. Perhaps it’s time to make some new agreements.
“Best-doing” is the high road, and it requires more effort. Is it worth it? How you answer that question is the ultimate issue of your life. You will answer with your actions.
Always do your best. Forget about the rest. Does anything else really matter, if you always do your best? “This is the day which the Lord hath made; rejoice and be glad in it.” This is the life which you are making; rejoice and be glad in it. Do the best you can, no more and no less.
Breaking Unhealthy Agreements
The only thing stopping you is yourself, and your agreements. Don’t blame anyone or anything else. You are as free as you choose to be. You must re-consider your agreements, to be sure, but you can if you wish.
The real you is still the little child. You’re still the same at the core as you were all those years ago. Back then, your family saw in you a lovely, beautiful person. That part of you hasn’t changed. The sad thing is that you never got to see yourself that way before society’s influence began to assert itself. Get re-acquainted with your original self. Get to know and love the real you.
You can be the maker of your own dream, and make it the ultimate dream of your existence. Your whole life is the manifestation of your dream. Is there any greater imperative than to become the Master of your own dream?
It is a blessing that everything has consequences, and a double blessing to live in that reality. Our minds live in a dream world, but there is after all a real world out there, with real consequences.
Most of the drama of life is the result of what we believe, each of us acting out our personal dreams, fulfilling our agreements with the collective planet dream. Since pain and suffering are universal, they are seen as normal and taken for granted. This emotional status quo was learned by each of us as we were taught by the collective dream. Meanwhile, we hurt more than we should, and feel less happiness than we ought.
You are habituated to being the way you are, but you can change. You can make new, healthy agreements. The process requires and deserves your best efforts.
Life is dear and time is fleeting. Don’t allow negative thoughts and feelings to deplete each day’s finite energy and waste your precious, precious time.
Childhood’s innocence was beautiful, but is forever lost to you now. If you are to be healthy, whole, and sovereign, wisdom must now replace innocence and credulity.
The cure starts with forgiveness. Forgiveness is the only way to heal. You will not heal without forgiveness. The most important person to forgive is you. Forgive and accept yourself. Don’t deny who you really are, what you think and believe. Don’t deny any truth. Accept yourself and others, forgive everyone, and find your way back to health.
Death is the best teacher. The angel of death teaches us to be truly alive. Every minute has its final second, and every life has its final day. Death tells us to live fully and use each day, each moment, wisely and well. Today I am still alive, one more day to be myself. It may or may not be my last, but in the present there is no way to tell. Every day, death takes the past away in order to make it possible for life to continue.
I hereby resolve to live this moment, this day, and this life as fully and well as I am able.
The New Dream: Heaven on Earth
Your perception of life is only a dream. It should be your own creation. You can change it. Why not amend, correct, alter, improve, and make it your own? Your dream will lead you to suffering or happiness. It is your dream, your life, and your choice.
